JULIET SMALL ERNST

THE UNEXPECTED UNIVERSE

2011-11-16T10:11:00.000-08:00

It is not necessary to cavil over the great age of Odysseus' dog. The surprising thing about the story's descent through the millennia is that it comes from a fierce and violent era, yet it bespeaks some recognized bond between man and beast. The tie runs beyond the cities into some remote glade in a far forest where man willingly accepted the help of his animal kin. Though men in the mass forget the origins of their need, they still bring wolfhounds into city apartments, where dog and man both sit brooding in wistful discomfort.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loren_Eiseley

YES OR NO (I)

2011-10-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

The differences between individuals are largely value-neutral.
Housecats make decisions.

C IS FOR CONSTRUCTION WORKER

2011-10-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

It's 95 degrees and the humidity is 80%. People don't understand that. People see a man with a shovel in his hand working on a job site and think he's lazy because he's just standing there. What they don't see is the struggle going on inside your brain. The part of you that has lived in the wild for millions of years is saying it's too exhausting, it's too hot, why don't you go lay in the shade for a while. That part of your brain sees the shovel, sees the ditch, sees the pipe to be laid, and it doesn't see how this is getting you food or sex. That other civilized part of you is saying, there is food and sex to be found in that ditch. You just need to hunch over that pipe for another 5 hours, and then for another three days, and then it'll be this made up thing, Friday, and you'll have this other made up thing, money. Then you can go out and eat and try to procure a mate.

You just need to clinch that shovel tightly for a little longer and you can get what you want. The little tribesman in your mind doesn't understand this. Things were easier in his time. Sure you only lived to be 26, but if it was too hot you didn't move, if some bit of fruit was too hard to reach you walked to the next tree and looked for lower fruit. There is no low hanging fruit left in this world though.

You hold that shovel and think if only I could bludgeon that little tribesman in my brain. Then I could be free to give myself to wage labor, free to force my body to do what it doesn't want to. So when you see a man on the side of the road not moving just watching some machine manipulate earth, know that he may not be lazy, but just engaged in a struggle between a past that shaped us and a present that was made by us but not for us.

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2011/09/what-people-dont-get-about-my-job-from-a-rmy-soldier-to-z-ookeeper/244231/

TWILIGHT

2011-10-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

I have all my most complex and troubling thoughts right before I fall asleep at night. Rhan calls that side of the bed where I lie awake before settling into sleep my "thinking place."

Writers and writers' self-help books tell you to keep a notebook by the bedside so you can capture these thoughts on paper as soon as they strike you. I have the notebook by the bed, but I never can bring myself to use it. The pleasure of lying there with my thoughts uninterrupted is too great, as upsetting as those thoughts often are.

In my thinking place I replay the events of the day, map out what I'd like to do tomorrow, and worry about the past and future generally.

I think this must be very common.

At the end of this month I will be visiting my childhood home in the first of (hopefully) several trips to clean it out and put it on the market for sale, eventually. This trip back is a source of considerable anxiety for me and has been the principal subject of my thinking place thoughts for months now.

At least I know where my worries are and where, and when, I can find them.

PLAYLISTS

2011-09-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

Music You Might Hear in Old Navy
It Will Make You Feel Worse Before It Makes You Feel Better
Super Unpopular at the Workplace

PEAK PERFORMANCE

2011-07-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

A Boston Globe article published 23 January 2011 suggests that the human species has reached, or is at least fast approaching, the physical limits of athletic performance. The article cites claims made by athletic researcher Geoffroy Berthelot:

Another Berthelot paper, published in 2008, predicts that the end of almost all athletic improvement will occur around 2027. By that year, if current trends hold--and for Berthelot, there's little doubt that they will--the "human species’ physiological frontiers will be reached,” he writes. To the extent that world records are still vulnerable by then, they will be improved by no more than 0.05 percent, so marginal that the fans, Berthelot reasons, will likely fail to care.

PBS THOUGHT

2011-07-08T09:10:00.000-07:00

So many of these talking head documentaries could just be called Our Best Work is Behind Us.

F.L. LUCAS

2011-06-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

It is unlikely that many of us will be famous, or even remembered. But not less important than the brilliant few that lead a nation or a literature to fresh achievements, are the unknown many whose patient efforts keep the world from running backward; who guard and maintain the ancient values, even if they do not conquer new; whose inconspicuous triumph it is to pass on what they inherited from their fathers, unimpaired and undiminished, to their sons. Enough, for almost all of us, if we can hand on the torch, and not let it down; content to win the affection, if it may be, of a few who know us and to be forgotten when they in their turn have vanished. The destiny of mankind is not governed wholly by its “stars.”

JAMES RICHARDSON (31)

2011-06-22T22:39:00.001-07:00

Water deepens where it has to wait.

http://www.princetonindependent.com/issue01.03/item4.html

BITS

2011-04-28T23:43:00.000-07:00

I wonder if movies have become the unconscious standard by which I measure everything else.

That being said, I am tired of the complaint that "movies have ruined my notion of relationships." That is insidious, uncritical thinking--erroneous expectations left purposefully unchecked.

If I had it to do all over again, I might try to study the science of the brain.

The impulse to complain coupled with an aversion to confrontation. #ohno

Every day that I wake up with no new bumps on my face is a good day.

I was excellent at gymnastics for about six months when I was eight years old.

A BY ALL APPEARANCES LIMITLESS FUTURE

2011-04-20T11:24:00.001-07:00

Started INFINITE JEST this month.

PAIRS, 2011, THREE DAYS IN

2011-01-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

FISH OIL & VITAMIN D

CONTACTS & GLASSES

OATMEAL & FLAXSEED

SUNSHINE & LOOSE CLOTHING

HARD WORK & PRUDENCE

DIET & DOCTORS

REST & BREATHING

MOVIES

2010-10-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

THE CUTTING EDGE: Romantic ice skating comedy.

CUPID BY SAM COOKE: You're watching Innerspace.

OPENING NIGHT

2010-09-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

I can stand here, I can look at this woman, this old lady,

and I can count every wrinkle on her face.

And for every wrinkle, there's a pain,

and for every pain, there's a year,

and for every year, there's a person, there's a death, there's a history,

and there's a kindness.

Now look at this kid over here--she's not kind...see...

what am I holding you up for?

Get upstairs, get warm!

I love you.

Virginia?

What?

Can you hear me?

What?

Thank you.

For what?

For coming home.

FOR THOSE WHO LIKE THAT SORT OF THING

2010-09-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

That is the sort of thing they like.

NO, NO.

2010-09-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

Vajazzling is the latest fad with young women, but what is it? Is Vajazzling the name of a feminist jazz ensemble? Or a modern replacement for Jazzercise? No, no. Vajazzling is the process of getting your vagina bedazzled. Actually, not your actual vagina, but your pubic area. First you remove all of your pubic hair; then you apply pretty gemstones. The crystals form all kinds of shapes, like hearts, stars or biohazard symbols flowers. Vajazzling can cost upwards of $50 at a salon, which seems expensive and incredibly embarrassing.

ShopInPrivate.com's Vajazzling Crystals are much cheaper. With ShopInPrivate.com's Vajazzling Crystals, you can vajazzle at home up to 12 times, for under $5 total. The Vajazzling Gemstones are easy to use and skin-safe. Just shave or wax as you normally would, then place the stones as you wish.

Enjoy the newest trend in body jewelry with the Vajazzling Gemstones. Instead of going to a salon for an awkward, expensive treatment, you can vajazzle at home. You won't have to spend any time naked in front of a stranger, and you'll end up pretty, sparkly and sexy.

http://www.priveco.com/vajazzling-press-release.html

ALBERT MAYSLES

2010-09-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

As a documentarian I happily place my fate and faith in reality. It is my caretaker, the provider of subjects, themes, experiences--all endowed with the power of truth and the romance of discovery. And the closer I adhere to reality the more honest and authentic my tales. After all, the knowledge of the real world is exactly what we need to better understand and therefore possibly to love one another. It's my way of making the world a better place.

http://www.mayslesfilms.com/index.html

TABITHA AND TIM

2010-01-23T00:45:00.000-08:00

Step it up and make it work.

ENLIGHTENED BY LYDIA DAVIS

2010-01-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I can remain friends with her. I've thought and thought about it--she'll never know how much. I gave it one last try. I called her, after a year. But I didn't like the way the conversation went. The problem is that she is not very enlightened. Or I should say, she is not enlightened enough for me. She is nearly fifty years old and no more enlightened, as far as I can see, than when I first knew her twenty years ago, when we talked mainly about men. I did not mind how unenlightened she was then, maybe because I was not so enlightened myself. I believe I am more enlightened now, and certainly more enlightened than she is, although I know it's not very enlightened to say that. But I want to say it, so I am willing to postpone being more enlightened myself so that I can still say a thing like that about a friend.

WOODY ALLEN/MILES MONROE

2010-01-06T11:06:00.001-08:00

Goddamn cheap Japanese flying packs.

MANHATTAN

2009-12-20T17:09:00.000-08:00

Six months! Are you kidding? Six months you're gonna go for?
We've gone this long. I mean, what's six months if we still love each other?
Hey, don't be so mature, OK?
I mean, six months is a long time. Six months!
You're gonna be in the theatre... working in the theatre with actors and directors.
You know, you go to rehearsal and you hang out with those people.
You have lunch a lot and before you know it attachments form and... you know...
I mean, you don't wanna get into that...
You'll change.
In six months you'll be a completely different person.
Well, don't you want me to have that experience? I mean,
a while ago you made such a convincing case.
Yeah, of course I do, but, you know...
I mean, I just don't want that thing about you that I like to change.
I've gotta make a plane.
Come on, you don't... Come on.
You don't... You don't have to go.
Why couldn't you have brought this up last week?
Six months isn't so long.
Not everybody gets corrupted.
You have to have a little faith in people.

ANITA LOOS

2009-11-01T21:20:00.000-08:00

Pleasure that isn't paid for is as insipid as anything else that's free.

NEW FEELING

2009-10-28T10:36:00.001-07:00

Everything that makes me happy also makes me a little bit sad. I like that wistful feeling.

THING EXTINCTION

2009-10-21T00:23:00.001-07:00

18 OCTOBER 2009: A relentless focus on the ephemeral is a useful way of garnering an appreciation of the everyday, the prosaic and the humble. Yet while one gets a strong sense of the 'drift' through clicking from one site to another (or even undertaken virtual derives, such as the one Michael Wolf did using Google Street View in Paris) the levels of editing, unconscious or otherwise, shape our apparently random vision of the virtual world. We're just as guilty of this as everyone else - the web of 'things' that so often occupies these posts, fills the sidebar or our project list is not simply a record of everything but a very careful edit of something.

By the same token, a recognisable genre of weblogs has emerged (see this question: Is there a name or term for the aesthetic these blogs contain?), the seemingly random streams of 'good work', quirky images, striking photography, cool objects, strange concepts, old scans, etc. etc. etc. We can drift though these - and we do - yet we shouldn't kid ourselves that we are flaneuring our way to anything but a highly selected cultural overview. This genre of presentation is both persuasive and pervasive, the digital equivalent of Wired's 'Fetish' pages (which have obviously a far more natural existence on screen than on paper). Take the AJ's new Notebook site, wherein 'inspiration' is 'curated', an explicit acknowledgement of the dominance of image-driven culture.

These visual essays, together with animated stings and very short films, have become the primary modes of communication; objects are strung together rather than taken in isolation. There is no space for contemplation, just clicking, scrolling and flicking. This leaves the solitary object somewhat adrift, only embodying meaning when it is juxtaposed or collated or slotted into a larger collection. Although a glance at any tumblr or curated weblog might suggest otherwise, the 'thing' is in danger of imminent extinction.

Via http://www.thingsmagazine.net/

RICHARD PRINCE

2009-10-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

I never had a penny to my name, so I changed my name.

JEEBIES (BOTANICAL)

2009-10-05T12:08:00.000-07:00

http://images.google.com/images?q=lithops

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE

2009-09-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

Almost empty toothpaste tube,
Finicky external hard drive,
Unreasonably slow-loading Youtube video,
Driver-side window that rolls up crooked unless I hold it,
Rattling desk fan motor,
Payment autodraft that leads to overdraft,

We can't keep doing this.

CONSUMER EMBARRASSMENT II

2009-09-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

ShopInPrivate.com is the world's most private store. We specialize in finding items that are embarrassing to buy in person. We sell these items in the most private manner possible. Every aspect of your shopping experience is completely private. Privacy is our corporate specialty. Afterall, ShopInPrivate.com is a division of PriveCo, the world's most private company.

http://www.shopinprivate.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKoRJ8prXNk

BREEDING

2009-09-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

We looked online at pictures of cats the same breed as our cat. Spitting images. Very disorienting. Our cat is, sadly, one of a type.

DESIRED OUTCOMES

2009-09-09T23:46:00.000-07:00

The aim of this exercise is to successfully distinguish between what you actually want to know and what you think they want you to want to know. The aim of this exercise is to determine what kind of people you don't want to be around anymore. The aim of this exercise is to determine the ways in which you can change the way your bathroom looks and how much these changes will improve your life. The aim of this exercise is to learn to wait in line with good humor. The aim of this exercise is to purchase your coffee in quarters and dimes. The aim of this exercise is to erase the bookmarks in your browser and replace them with new ones very quickly. The aim of this exercise is to comment thoughtfully on problems that aren't your problems. The aim of this exercise is to tell me the meaning of this, that memory is not the opposite of forgetting, but rather its lining. The aim of this exercise is to demand new exercises.

CONSUMER EMBARRASSMENT I

2009-08-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

Sainsbury’s has renamed Pollack as Colin because, it said, potential buyers were too embarrassed to ask for pollack, a cheap and plentiful cod substitute. After a marketing revamp by the designer Wayne Hemingway, and extensive market research, Sainsbury’s hopes colin will revitalise the market for the fish.

http://www.chefsblade.com/news/articles/553--store-renames-fish-to-spare-consumer-embarrassment

STAND UP COMEDY (WEBSITE)

2009-08-30T02:29:00.000-07:00

About this site's archival structure, which was obtained via Alex DeArmond via Daniel Eatock:

"I would like to encourage the use of this system by others who require a structure to organise and present a body of work. Please feel free to replicate the structure. The more websites that use this structure, the more archetypal / invisible the structure becomes, and the more emphasis placed on the content. Please tell your friends."

http://shopstandingup.us/indexhibit/

JULIAN BARNES/CHRIS LLOYD

2009-08-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

Things never changed for you. That was one of the first rules. You talked about what things would be like when they did change: you imagined marriage, and sex eight times a night, and bringing up your children in a way which combined flexibility, tolerance, creativeness and large quantities of money; you thought of having a bank account and going to strip clubs and owning cufflinks, collar studs and monogrammed handkerchiefs. But any real threat of change induced apprehension and discontent.

SPORTS ON TELEVISION

2009-08-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

Things I found myself watching this weekend: the women's gymnastics National Championship, old footage of South Korean archery, half an episode of America's Best Dance Crew, Youtube footage of gymnastics accidents.

The investment in watching this stuff is lightning quick. I can pick a side and stick to it; I'm disappointed if my team loses, satisfied if they win. But on the other hand there's total liberty to waffle, too--to play the favorites, to change sides in favor of the lead. It's all completely arbitrary and fleeting, and I forget about it as soon as it's over, no matter what the outcome. These are assets to competition on TV, though watching it does make me feel duller, dumber somehow, and I warn myself against watching too much. Perhaps this is true of most TV in general.

And the gymnastics accidents? That's my abject side, the part of me that likes gasping at horrible things. I have little to offer in defense of this habit.

PUNCHLINE I

2009-08-13T23:22:00.000-07:00

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

(OK, NOW WHAT)

INDEX (SELF-HELP)

2009-08-13T22:45:00.000-07:00

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF ME
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT WHENEVER YOU WANT IT
HOW TO SIDESTEP DESPAIR
HOW TO DISPEL BAD PRESS
HOW TO MAKE IT TO THE END WITHOUT STOPPING
HOW TO RESTORE A SENSE OF SCALE
HOW TO SUFFER IMPATIENCE
HOW TO FEEL GRATITUDE
HOW TO WAKE UP EXCITED
HOW TO MIND YOUR OWN
HOW TO TELL SOMEONE ABOUT YOUR DAY
HOW TO WEAR YOUR HAIR
HOW TO MAKE AN HONEST BUCK
HOW TO APPROACH AND BE APPROACHED
HOW TO KNOW WHAT'S IMPORTANT
HOW TO KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT

PHRASES

2009-08-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

The deep, dark, wildly obvious secret of it.
The nudging out of what is possible.
No give, no fair, just earn and take.

READING

2009-08-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

The great thing about getting through one book--hard-won, long-delayed, finally, finally--is that you're immediately equipped to move onto another book...and as long as you don't pause or interrupt that momentum you begin to think you've resuscitated the habit of reading once and for all. This is a grand (though ordinary) feeling--how I always imagined adulthood to be. It's really good.

STEIN (METTLE)

2009-08-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

Slowly and in a way it was not astonishing but slowly I was knowing that I was a genius...There was no reason for it but I was, and he was not there was a reason for it but he was not and that was the beginning of the ending and we always had been together and now we were never at all together. Little by little we never met again.

LIFE COACH

2009-08-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

How long have you two known each other?
Relationships, at a certain point, especially long ones.
Grant each other amnesty. Sign a treaty.
Make amends. Make a list.
I'm not sure how anybody stays with anybody, frankly.
You two are soulmates!
Marriage is a crystal goblet.
Cheating cracks the goblet.
The goblet stops singing.
You're on a boat, out to sea.
You're a goblet on a boat.

CARVER (ACCURACY)

2009-08-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

My friend Mel McGinnis was talking. Mel McGinnis is a cardiologist, and sometimes that gives him the right.

HONESTY CURRICULUM

2009-07-31T21:22:00.001-07:00

1. Reactionary: You stand up
2. Explicit: You tell them all about yourself
3. Reflective: The attendant embarrassment
4. Complimentary: You tell them what you love about them
5. Explicit: You tell them more about yourself
6. Vulnerable: You reveal yourself
7. Liberated: The attendant power
8. Reflective: The attendant doubt

MICROCOSMOS

2009-07-30T23:05:00.000-07:00

We land confidently on the surface of the water. We are so light we don't even disturb its surface tension; we handle water in whole droplets, gracefully. We skim like aliens. I can't imagine this relationship to water. I can't imagine being so small.

THE SPECIALIST

2009-07-30T11:50:00.001-07:00

"Think about trying a process story," he said, using a term I'd never heard. "It's a New Yorker standard," he went on. "You simply deconstruct a process for the reader. John McPhee was the master. It makes for a simple structure."

MAGGIE SMITH/MISS JEAN BRODIE

2009-07-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

Can anyone tell me who is the greatest Italian painter?
Leonardo da Vinci, Miss Brodie.
That is incorrect, Jenny.
The answer is Giotto. He is my favorite.
Observe, little girls, Stanley Baldwin...
who got in as prime minister and got out again ere long.
Our headmistress, Miss Mackay, retains him on the walls
because she believes in the slogan "Safety First."
But safety does not come first.
Goodness, Truth and Beauty come first.
One's prime brings one's insight into these things.
One's prime is the moment one is born for.
You little girls must be on the alert to recognize your prime,
at whatever time it may occur,
and live it to the full.

PREPAREDNESS

2009-07-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm in bed reading this story of a man wrongfully imprisoned--a man forced to confess to the rape and murder of an absolute stranger, a man who spent twelve years of his life in the hell of federal prison for a crime he didn't commit. You slide into bed with me. It's late. I turn to you and say Promise me, my breath close to your face, please promise me that if you are ever accused of a crime you didn't commit that no matter what they say, what they do, how they threaten you, that you will never admit to it. You agree to this simply because I've asked you to, simply because you are a good husband. You don't believe that this will ever happen. I go to sleep feeling relieved.

I know from TV that if I'm ever abducted and placed in the trunk of a car that I will kick out the taillights and stick a desperate, waving hand out to anyone who can see it. I know I could also play dead in that trunk, or that maybe they'll leave me to die. And I know that every time I pass a Motel 6 on some desolate stretch of highway that I feel comforted by the readiness of a forty dollar room, because who knows, I might need one someday. You're not susceptible to this kind of insurance, not the way I am, but it's still important to enforce these promises as they occur to me. Let's both be ready when the time comes, okay? I'm ready to tell you everything I know.

SIGHTSEEING

2009-07-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

Drove today behind a pickup truck with this sticker in its back window: a Calvin, in a cowboy hat, pissing on the words GUN CONTROL. For those who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing they like.

DREAM LETTER

2009-07-23T00:46:00.000-07:00

I had cramps and a feverish nightmare last night, the kind of nightmare that woke me up with a start. I've wanted to tell you about it. We'll never stop describing our dreams to one another. It feels somehow important. We can't help ourselves.

It was one of those dreams that expressed all my waking anxieties very explicitly, not couched in a nest of symbols as some dreams tend to do. I prefer my dreams this way: vivid, in humdrum settings, with the regular players, easily conflated with memories, driving fast and close to the bone. I've noticed that I generally have nightmares when I'm sleeping when I "shouldn't" be sleeping--during naps, or when I've overslept--which makes last night's experience a rarity.

I'm in a shoe store with my sister. My sister gets annoyed and shoves me aside. I am feeling out of my body, as if I have been drugged, and I see my mother and she yells at me. She's angrier at me than I've ever seen her. I feel sick. I finally work up the courage to ask her why she's upset. She sneers at me. At that point I'm staying in her house. Her hair is pulled back very tight.

And then, of course, I woke up with a start.

The French word for nightmare is cauchemar.
The Spanish word for nightmare is pesadilla.
These seemed like things that might interest you.

PATIENCE AS AN INVITATION

2009-07-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

The two slowest talkers I have ever met in my life: first, an old high school teacher of my sister's, who pondered every question so long you began to think he didn't hear you ask; second, my husband's coworker, similarly styled, who has actually dubbed himself The King of the Pregnant Pause. It's a hard world for slow talkers because people are testy down to the finest detail of interaction--the search for the right word, the hesitation, the midsentence correction. Yet the slow talkers persist beautifully. I'm listening. I try to slow down. I take any opportunity to be patient--elegantly patient--as both a challenge and a gift.

PEDRO ALMODOVAR/ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER

2009-07-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

To Bette Davis, Gena Rowlands, Romy Schneider... To all the actresses who have played actresses, to all women who act, to men who act and become women, to all the people who want to be mothers. To my mother.

THESE AMERICAN LIVES

2009-07-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

I am on the brink of a nice little road trip, and the first order of business is to load my ipod with twenty episodes of This American Life. I am routinely learning things from this show: that it is best to take your lottery winnings, should you ever be lucky enough to receive them, in a lump sum rather than installments; that there will be no space shuttle missions between 2010 and 2020, by which time a new space vehicle will be completed; that Mike Birbiglia is hilarious; and, most of all, that Ira Glass has one of the best jobs I can ever imagine having. This is my first trip of this kind alone. I look forward to the comforting chatter of talk radio.

CONCESSIONS

2009-07-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

We make little concessions to get along. For instance, I may have inherited a tendency towards long-windedness (once I start talking at all), or a tendency towards including the mundane details, and for this I imagine people are makings concessions in order to enjoy my talking. Certain people I've known are great fun but say ridiculous things, for which I myself make concessions to enjoy their talking. We don't rock the boat much because getting along is much more fun. But then again, am I missing the beauty of argument? I'm polite by nature; discord is a luxury I reserve for those closest to my heart. Lucky them.

ANDRE GREGORY/ANDRE GREGORY

2009-07-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

And then at a certain point I realized I had just gone for a good eighteen years unable to feel, except in the most extreme situations. I mean, to some extent I still had the ability to live in my work; that was why I was such a work junkie, that was why I felt every play I did was a matter of my life or my death. But in my real life, I was dead. I was a robot. You know, I didn't even allow myself to get angry or annoyed. I mean, you know, today, Chiquita, Nicholas, Marina, all day long, as people do, they do things that annoy me and they say things that annoy me, and today I get annoyed; and they say "Why are you annoyed?" and I say "Because you're annoying!"

And when I allowed myself to consider the possibility of not spending the rest of my life with Chiquita, I realized that what I wanted most in life was to always be with her. But at that time I hadn't learned what it would be like to let yourself react to another human being. And if you can't react to another person then there's no possibility of action or interaction. And if there isn't, I don't really know what the word "love" means, except duty, obligation, sentimentality, fear.

I mean, I don't know about you, Wally, but I just had to put myself into a kind of training program to learn how to be a human being. I mean, how did I feel about anything? I didn't know. What kind of things did I like, what kind of people did I really want to be with, you know? And the only way I could think of to find out was to just cut out all the noise, and stop performing all the time and just listen to what was inside me. See, I think a time comes when you need to do that. Now, maybe in order to do it you have to go to the Sahara, and maybe you can do it at home, but you need to cut out the noise.

THE GOODS

2009-07-15T00:43:00.000-07:00

There is a variety of words you can use to convey intelligence, but these words, while all hovering around the same premise, can be curiously mutually exclusive. I am thinking of an acquaintance whom I might not describe as smart but who is quick (and, by that measure, funny); and someone else I know is as bright as they come but not particularly sharp, nor deep. I hope this doesn't sound unkind, because I don't mean it to be; the rules apply to everyone, and the rules apply to me. A person's specific makeup of these qualities determines what you talk to them about, what you look to them for, and it's heartening to think that there are so many ways to be intelligent. For my money, however, the big one is insight, and insight trumps them all. I am lucky to have it all around me.

SANDRA BERNHARD/MASHA

2009-07-15T00:07:00.000-07:00

Why don't we just clear off the table?
I was thinking...
why don't we go upstairs?
But that's so predictable.
Let's just take everything off the table...
and do it right here.
That would blow your mind.
It would blow my mind.
I've never done anything like that.
I never even had anybody over for dinner.
Let alone, made love on the table.
I want to do that.
I just want to dance.
I want to, like, put on some Shirelles.
I want to be black.
Wouldn't that be insane?
God, you know who I wish was tonight?
I wish I was Tina Turner...
just dancing through the room.
Ooh ooh

INTENSITY

2009-07-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

More interesting to me than a list of Things I Like is a list of Things I Like With The Same Intensity, which proves to be a much more challenging list to make. For instance, before I fell asleep last night I tried to compile a similar list, Things I Fear With The Same Intensity, and came up with "sleeping underneath a heavy mirror" and "merging multiple lanes in fast and heavy traffic." But just as quickly as I came up with those two items I realized: it wasn't so much the intensity I had paralleled as the quality of the feeling, which is the giant roadblock to making lists of this kind. Measuring the intensity of feeling, even your own feeling, and teasing it out as discrete from the feeling of the feeling itself, is arduous, maybe impossible, maybe useless. But I carry on.

DISSATISFACTION

2009-07-12T14:07:00.001-07:00

I find myself googling HANDLING CONFRONTATION because I'm not good at it and because I have lately accused others of the same fault and pegged myself a hypocrite for doing so. The PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE approach to confrontation has been suggested to me but it's not my style; moreover I don't think I could pull it off. The websites I find emphasize the importance of THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE for confrontation, but that advice seems about as useful to a person like me as TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS is to the recently heartbroken: yes, I know, that's occurred to me, and it doesn't make actually DOING IT any easier, not from where I'm standing.

The BEING A HYPOCRITE thing smarts a little though, and it's been on my mind. I firmly believe in TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for anything you have a hand in--it's a LIFE TRUTH of mine, really--and by that measure I am at least halfway responsible for all the dissatisfying elements of every relationship I have. This reminds me of something I've told Rhan, which is that YOU ARE THE COMMON DENOMINATOR OF EVERY SITUATION YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN, which is perhaps one of the smartest things I've ever said and was most assuredly lifted from some self-help or literary or cinematic source. But that sort of theft is admissible, if not mandatory.

PETER SELLERS/CLARE QUILTY

2009-07-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

Tell me, I couldn't help noticing when you checked in tonight...
It's part of my job, I notice human individuals...
...and I noticed your face.
I said to myself when I saw you...
...there's a guy with the most normal-looking face I ever saw in my life.
That's very nice of you.
Not a bit. It's great to see a normal face, 'cause I'm a normal guy.
Be great for two normal guys...
...to get together and talk about world events, in a normal way.

ADJECTIVE-NOUN PAIRS

2009-07-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

Unparalleled success, crippling debt, hard work, easy money.
Mitigating circumstances, relentless pursuit, illustrious career, brotherly love.
Intestinal distress, boyish good looks, absolute candor, minimum wage.

HAPPINESS

2009-07-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

Happiness, writes poet James Richardson, is not the only happiness. That's a profound truth, and like most profound truths it is tidy but mystifying. I'm not so sure my happiness is happiness. Plenty of things do it for me--a great film, drinks and good conversation, music in the car--but I am never more at peace, never happier, than when I am on the toilet or when I am asleep. I am inclined to think my happiness is something closer to relief. And then there is "The Crying Tape," a legendary idea between my sister and I, never realized, of a tape that would consist wholly of the saddest parts of the saddest programs that we could watch to make us cry when we felt like it. That crying impulse is a part of my happiness, too.